Day 21: CBT & Silver Cloud

Different style of blog post today, we’re going to try and shift this into a higher quality collection of works- start early and the rest should follow.

Despite a rough time getting to sleep last night I believe I finally drifted off to sleep at around half one in the morning and slept through until I was awoken rather untimely at about half nine. One of my friends had left their keys at my house and asked whether I could hand them the set at a nearby bus stop, a ”Comedy of errors” they called it, and as groggy as I can be sometimes in the morning… I had to agree.


 

keys

It was pretty funny despite the short jog in the ‘bitterly cold’ rain.


 

It didn’t discourage my morning and I readily set about calling up my academic advisers, but as you would expect it went straight through to voicemail- it never rains, it only pours it seems. It resulted in me having to take down their E-mail and I’ll be sending them my correspondence later in the day.

After that rather annoying debacle with an answering machine I began to make a rather unethical breakfast of cheese on crackers (I always was weak when it came to Stilton and brie) and since it’s coming up to Christmas I’ve made sure that the house is stocked with all kinds of seasonal goodies. Unethical… but tasty.

Whilst eating I decided to look into the idea of beginning to learn another language, I haven’t quite decided as to whether I should learn German, Japanese or both so we’ll start with the Deutsche. I seem to have found an online introductory course endorsed by the ”Open University” that will serve as a first step into the language.

As for the Japanese, there are a number of resources I know of, but struggle to recount what they are, though all is not lost and I can refer to the man below.


 

Such a compact

Chris: Abroad in Japan- Engrish background


I know for a fact that this, amazingly witty, man has a number of videos addressing the issues around picking up what is, arguably, one of the hardest languages to learn on the planet.

Of course there’s always the possibility that I could learn both, I’ve never tried my hand at either, so I can’t say that I’d be fully equipped to study both at the same time, along with quite a few other things. I’ll have to see how I fair with the harder of the two, is my thinking, before deciding whether I feel confident taking on the second.

So, on my list of five things, there’s only two other things that need attending to and those are krav maga and piano. Admittedly I know about krav maga, I know there’s a group within my vicinity and I’ve had a little bit of contact with them in the past. Piano however is a completely different kettle of fish! I’ve barely looked into it and if it is a class I have to pay for, I have no idea as to how much it will be.

So, finally here’s the long-winded part.

The orginisation that’s apparently going to help me with my depression is the Silver Cloud group. They believe that the best way to combat my depression and anger issues seems to be through C.B.T (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) which focuses on changing the way I think and act in order to combat depression, send it into recession and keep it at bay.

So the way they believe this course is best administered is in seven steps, each of which should take me around a week to complete. So I did have a look today, even though in reality that translates to a small quiz and a thirty second video… but it is only Monday.

It is to be expected that should I follow, take in and understand every part of the course that, at the very least, I should start to feel a little better about myself and my situation so we’ll see where that goes.

As for today that sounds like all, and I think that with eating, sleeping, bathing and activities all taken into consideration I can brand this day as a success.

So, we’ll see what tomorrow holds.

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Day 20: Sundays Suck

I’ve never liked Sundays, In high school they were an early night and who can think of having fun when you know that you’ve got to go to school at eight O’clock the following morning? Mental people, that’s who.

Now in my (sort of) adult life Sundays are still a problem! Not only does everything shut super early, shops and the like, but I also find it difficult to do anything productive on them; it’s sort of like having a ”If the country is closing early, so am I!” mentality and it is not a productive habit to maintain.

So as you could probably guess, in line with this habit, nothing much really happened today, as has been the case for the last few days, but i have figured out what i need to do in the coming days however. I do need to call my engineering course adviser to get a few things cleared up and I need to take up Krav maga at my local club, start learning the piano and pick up on the classes for learning Japanese and ‘maybe’ German too.

They’re all jotted down in my mind and at least three of them should be fulfilled by tomorrow, getting back into the swing of having a more active lifestyle is more difficult that imagined – it’s definitely an uphill struggle.

But that’s not what this page of this blog is for, I should actually state what happened today.

I got up at about eleven AM, it’s later than when I usually get up, but then again it is sunday and no one can really judge me for sleeping in and despite having an extra few hours in bed, I still managed, in a sleep addled state to try and brew cold coffee which was them heated up in the microwave… it was passable, but tasted more like hot chocolate than coffee.

I ate a decent amount today, starting off with a sausage and egg sandwich followed by a pork pie at lunch and then some beef and potatoes at dinner. There was more caffine than was really needed today, just in coffee and tea and it seems to have contributed to a few ‘magic moments’ but there have been no, touch wood, full panic attacks.

The only thing I’m really concerned with is that my knee is getting noticably worse and I seem to have been cold and achy all day, it’s really rather disconcerting, but we’ll see what tomorrow holds- I’ll  just try to keep weight off of this knee.

Until tomorrow.

Day 19: The AGM

Every year my LARP group hosts a meeting, the AGM, where we discuss all manner of things from the cost of running the group and the submissions that are expected of everyone to the general rules of the dark brothers and their friends.

Though, I didn’t say much, I turned up and had a few drinks with a larger group of people. I was nervous, I hadn’t seen many of the boys in well over four months and it was super hard for me to get a word in.

By the time we were all leaving I had warmed up to them a little and felt more comfortable in talking with a few of them, but none of the higher ups or group regulars… they have such gravitas and I just don’t.

But that was pretty alright, despite being part of the group for around a year or so now, it’s still pretty rough for me, I don’t really understand how they can all be so open and easy going with one another, especially in compromising situations like in a battle line.

I guess I’ve just been having a run of rough days and it’s showing both in my blogging and my social mannerisms… I just feel tired and rather down, it’s kind of rough.

Other than that, nothing and I mean nothing happened today, I got up at around ten AM and only got home at nine PM, despite the fact that most of the day was spent yelling across the room like in the houses of parliament  it was OK… I didn’t really enjoy it, but I attended.

Until tomorrow.

Day 18: The Day Before the AGM

Recently I’ve been doing a shit job of getting better and have hardly made any steps in the grand scheme of things, today was no exception, but I suppose that these things start off slowly and gain pace- if anything it’s been a reality shock.

I’ve begun to realize just how powerless I truly am, in all things. I’m weak, physically frail without the stature, size of physique to command the attention of those in conversation or in attracting a partner. I’m as far from charismatic as you can get, socially reclusive with a venomous sense of humor, I have a hard time warming up to people and even those I know I can be shy around.

Most of all though, the thing which I’m most proud of, my intellect. I can strip the atoms of a molecule and I can use social engineering to my advantage, every field of study I believe I know something in and in some my knowledge is comprehensive… but without qualifications to prove it… I’m nothing.

I’ve had it! I’ve relied and survived off of my two family members for so long now, like some form of deranged pariah and I’m going to make sure that if nothing else, I can at least stop doing that.

I will be faster, stronger, smarter, more resilient, an unassailable bastion of human fortitude… I will help people… i want to help people… even if I did nothing today, nothing at all I wont let these days define me.Until tomorrow.

Day 17: No Recollection

I’m Writing this two days after the day, the most recent days have been oddly busy and I struggle to recall whether I actually accomplished anything. Probably not though.

As far as I can recall, there was nothing special, in particular about today, I’ve been getting back into the swing of playing Fallout and Rocket League but that’s about it, and I know that I planned to write a little something on the Sunday this weekend.

Other than this, I struggle to remember much, I know that I woke up early and that my breakfast was most likely bread based with tea and coffee… but even past that I can’t really remember what I ate for dinner… I think it was pork and baked potatoes.

I’ll catch up with these and make sure that I’m writing them on the day that they happen.

I’m sorry. I will get better…. I have to!

Until tomorrow.

Day 16: No Hangover

I should preface this whole blog post with an apology, an apology for being one of those, horrible, people who don’t suffer from hangovers; I’ve mentioned it before but, I just don’t get them, never have and probably never will, so when all of my friends are ready to vomit their arse out through their mouth I’ll be in the kitchen chiming ”Who wants runny eggs” To the tune of vomiting afterwards.

Today was weird though, in the sense that at some point in the night I must have decided that the bathroom floor wasn’t the best habitat for a sleepy, drunk, Zach because I woke up in my bed, that never happens, I always wake up where I fall when I’ve been drinking, so, today had a surprisingly good start.

So, I got up eventually and felt a little funny, still drunk most likely given the volume of cider I drank, but there’s some merit in that and it took a while for me to make breakfast, even if it was just a corned beef sandwich.. at first, followed by another sandwich, soup, four weetabix, more tea and coffee than you know what to do with, a pie and a ton of biscuits.. I was super hungry.

Other than eating all day, I didn’t really do anything, I played some rocket league but that was about it, I can’t really say that the day was spent recuperating since I felt fine, but it was probably wise to not do too much.

It wasn’t a wasted day since it’s merely the run on from a good night out with some decent friends, but I could have done more… I refrain from passing a judgement on today.

Until tomorrow.

Day 15: Drinking Way Too Much

I think we can all gather what this blog post will involve, and the reason why there was so little done today so, from the top. I awoke at around nine AM, so that’s a plus point, at least there’s progress in that area huh? After the customary freezing sprint to my closet I dredged downstairs, still sleep addled and attempted to cook something… attempted being the operative word there.

The house was pretty bare, I’ve not been out to do the shopping in a long while so it looked as if I was going to have to settle for omelette… again. I don’t mind omelettes, but if you’re going to have them day in and day out, you’ve got to have something with them: cheese, tomato, ham, anything other than plain old egg!

Disappointing breakfast out of the way I sat down for a little while and received a phone call from my counselor, or rather soon to be counselor. It was pretty standard, baseline questions again, assessing whether I’m a danger to myself or anyone around me (which I’m not for posterity’s sake) and I thought nothing of it really, so they’ve put me on a list for some supplies to help with the depression and they’ve referred me to another help center called ”The Marketplace”.

Apparently, these new people specialize in helping young people with mental health issues, young people who are, as of the day, above eighteen, so young adults in reality. Now I’ve not had a wealth of mental help before but I have yet to try these people out, so I’ll be certain to try them and leave them a good or bad write up, dependent on the quality of their service.

The productivity for today ends here, and the embarrassment begins.

Long story short, a friend called me and asked me whether I wanted to go out, I thought it would be healthy and a few hours later we’re sat inside the Bierkeller and I’m staring down eight pints of cider…

The first four went down without a hitch and I really rather enjoyed them, I’m more of a spirit drinker in reality but that’s just because I don’t like necking copious amounts of liquid… and whiskey is rather nice. The fifth and sixth pint were a little more troublesome and that’s when I hit the wall, a few swigs into the seventh pint I was done- I was R E K T wrecked!

I stumbled out of the bar with my hand covering my mouth and quickly, yet sneakily, staggered like a pissed fart around the back of the building, arched against a wall and proceeded to vomit into a grate for thirty minutes, it’s at moments like these where I remember why i only drink spirits and wine.

THERE’S LESS BLOODY LIQUID TO VOMIT BACK UP

So after this I hopped in a taxi home, who’m I almost vomited on, and then proceeded to sleep, cradling the porcelain throne for about ten hours. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

All in all, a good night out, I just didn’t pace myself well enough, but, fortunately by that time, most people were leaving anyway- got away scott free!

Until tomorrow.

Day 14: Doctors

Today was rather underwhelming, useful though. I suppose the first step on a lengthy journey isn’t always the biggest but this was so minute I actually began to question its merit, though I suppose it could be a blessing in disguise.

The appointment was fairly late in the day, for the doctors at least and it all took less than twenty minutes. I walked in the door and there were the standard baseline questions, things like ”What’s wrong” and ”Does anything hurt anywhere” and as mundane as they sounds, they made it a lot easier than me going ”Doc… I’m fucked”.

So I told them about how I’ve been feeling and how everything’s been going, and I stressed to them, extensively how much my anger is scaring me and just how terrified I am about hurting someone, verbally mainly… but I could lash out and punch someone. Then what kind of a person would I be?

I’m not a violent person, I never have been, in fights in school and college, I never threw a punch, but I always got back up, I took every beating because I couldn’t stand the idea of hurting someone else. I still can’t and if I lashed out and hit someone, someone who didn’t deserve it… what would I be then?

I mentioned my knee too, but she seems to think that it’s simply pulled ligaments, so good news there and overall, it was a good trip to a good doctor.

My diet has been… rather unstable as of recent and its been more reliant on hot drinks than hot food, not good.

Sleep has been getting better, and I’ve been going to bed at around midnight most nights and waking up between the hours of seven and ten, so that’s going well and I’m beginning to notice that it’s increasing my productivity.

A good day.

Until tomorrow.

 

Day 13: Wrath and Sloth

Now, I’ll say for a start, I’m not religious, not in the least, but these two of the seven deadly sins are the perfect conceptualisation for adequately describing the two most pressing issues I’m dealing with at this moment in time. We’ll start with wrath.

Of recent I have been prone to anger, but not just the type of anger where you would be spiteful or terse with people, but deep seated anger that surfaces in the worst of ways. I recently went sword fighting with my friends, and I got angrier and angrier the more mistakes I made and eventually the cuts and knicks from the blades turned me into a ball of white hot rage.

I hacked, slashed and destroyed every single combatant in a matter of seconds, more brute force than technique, forced them out of the circle and won… but it didn’t end. The last friend I dueled, I kept going, slashing, hacking and i only stopped when I smacked the sword from his hand… i haven’t been back since.

My anger is endangering my friends and I will take steps to reduce, contain or vent it.

Now for Sloth

Lethargy often comes with depression, but that’s to be expected, however what I’m doing is rather… more than that. I’m being lazy, slovenly even. I hardly make food anymore, I’m sleeping at unsociable hours and even my hygiene has taken a dip.

This is the easier of the two to mitigate, as I merely have to begin living a more active life, one that I find enriching and satisfying, after that, my mindset should follow and we can wave bye bye to the slovenly Zach.

As for sleep, generally pretty good today, fell asleep at midnight and woke up at about eight AM, and food, well… not so great, two pies and some pasta bake, not the best, but hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Until tomorrow 

Day 12: Panic

Whilst today i didn’t have a full blown panic attack, there were some close calls, there were, however, plenty of what i call ‘magic moments’ where it feels as though a panic attack might set in but it doesn’t, but the general feeling of unease and angst pervades the rest of the day.

I don’t exactly feel like I’ve ever explained to anyone, where these panic attacks came from exactly, so I’ll try now.

I’ve never really been afraid of anything, there were fleeting moments in `my life where I was scared, or where I felt very alone and down, but these sensations don’t last, hence their fleeting nature. But, there is one thing I fear, I despise and loathe more than anything else… a cage.

I hate the thought with all my passion, having my destiny predetermined, to be confined, trapped and consigned to a fate beyond my control, I fear it, and i fight it every day. This sensation of complete helplessness, of sheer lack of control causes my panic attacks; it carves through my psyche like a hot knife though butter, cleaves my orderly thoughts in twain and shatters them… I get dizzy, short of breath… sometimes I scream, scream so loud my voice cracks, breaks and I lose it for days.

I’m not proud of it, being scared or being afraid isn’t something to be ashamed of though, I know it isn’t, what actually counts is being brave enough to push back and that’s called courage. I like to think that I am courageous, but… how do you be brave against an idea? How do you push back? This blog should do that, but it’s in its infancy, and i need keep up with it.

But, that’s all really, today was, apart from, the general sense of unease, a no go.

Until tomorrow.