Whilst today i didn’t have a full blown panic attack, there were some close calls, there were, however, plenty of what i call ‘magic moments’ where it feels as though a panic attack might set in but it doesn’t, but the general feeling of unease and angst pervades the rest of the day.
I don’t exactly feel like I’ve ever explained to anyone, where these panic attacks came from exactly, so I’ll try now.
I’ve never really been afraid of anything, there were fleeting moments in `my life where I was scared, or where I felt very alone and down, but these sensations don’t last, hence their fleeting nature. But, there is one thing I fear, I despise and loathe more than anything else… a cage.
I hate the thought with all my passion, having my destiny predetermined, to be confined, trapped and consigned to a fate beyond my control, I fear it, and i fight it every day. This sensation of complete helplessness, of sheer lack of control causes my panic attacks; it carves through my psyche like a hot knife though butter, cleaves my orderly thoughts in twain and shatters them… I get dizzy, short of breath… sometimes I scream, scream so loud my voice cracks, breaks and I lose it for days.
I’m not proud of it, being scared or being afraid isn’t something to be ashamed of though, I know it isn’t, what actually counts is being brave enough to push back and that’s called courage. I like to think that I am courageous, but… how do you be brave against an idea? How do you push back? This blog should do that, but it’s in its infancy, and i need keep up with it.
But, that’s all really, today was, apart from, the general sense of unease, a no go.