Day 23: Mixed Bag

So as you might have already gathered from the title of this post, today didn’t go as planned; it does say that the day was mixed but I did get some good out of it and that’s never a bad thing- especially when i learned a little more about my condition.

So we’ll start with what we learned. The main two things that i learned were about the cycles of Anxiety and Depression, which I will explain individually in that respective order.


Anxiety

cycleAnxiety.95e7a70d3319

Now I know that this info-graphic is pretty self explanatory but I’ll give it a brief rundown anyway. So, we’ll take my own personal experiences as examples and cross reference them with the individual components.

In my own circumstance, I began to think unusually off putting thoughts, things that went along the lines of “I’m not good enough” and “I’m letting everyone down” and of course these thoughts are groundless and little more than exacerbated worries, but they led onto the next point.

Feeling anxious is good, it keeps you on your toes when you need to be and makes you sharper, faster even but it becomes a problem when it lasts for a prolonged amount of time. It makes everything harder, and in my case that tends to manifest itself in my speech and way I hold myself in social situations.

Next up are the physical conditions. For me these are easily the second most annoying and distressing parts of this disorder. I have muscle spasms, I can’t sit still for a lengthy amount of time and my sex drive is just non existent (something which usually runs off the chain) along with depleted appetite which has lead to the rapid loss of weight and muscle tone.

Last up is avoidance, I know for a fact that I do this, however it’s the lesser of all evils for me, I’m more headstrong and no matter how scared or anxious I get, I force myself to go and do things…but that’s it for anxiety.


Depression

cycleDepression.c4f9362938a2

Inversely to the prior chart, I start at the position which is the polar opposite in this case. I began feeling a loss of pleasure and achievement.

Now, this loss of pleasure and achievement came from a while back, it’s been my constant companion for a long while now and I can’t quite pinpoint where it started, but I have a rough idea of when. But that’s not what we’re talking about here; it’s a terrible affliction, to not feel joy when everyone else is laughing and to not feel pride when you stand head and shoulders above the rest… everything turns gray and life loses colour.

So, what is the point of doing anything when it fails to inspire a sense of happiness or satisfaction in you? There really isn’t much. This loss of pleasure quickly spirals out of control and very soon you realise that there’s nothing  much you want to do, or even care about trying. You end up where I am now, not doing anything and feeling, well… shit because of it!

Here’s the real kicker, and then because you’re not doing anything you begin to doubt yourself, to question whether you were really cut out for doing them in the first place, it’s like rubbing salt in a wound. It crushes your resolve and it manifests in horrible ways and in me, it makes me lash out at friends, sharp words backed by a forked tongue… it makes me feel like a monster.

Finally the low mood that follows. Everything is gray and in your own eyes you’re a vitriolic fool who lashes out at his friends who isn’t fit to do anything, it makes you question everything and then, as if this perpetual agony isn’t bad enough, the cycle starts again, self sustaining and absolute in its dominance over your life!


But, that’s enough for now.

Yesterday I set myself three goals and failed all of them, that’s on me and I’m rather ashamed to say that my willpower wasn’t enough and I was a lethargic fool, too cocky in his ability to complete tasks in an ever dwindling time frame.

So those points carry over until today.

  • Japanese resources.
  • Word press 101
  • Piano lessons

So, there we have it, a mixed bag, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

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