When most people say that they’re making ammends, it usually translates to a prior transgression or misunderstanding that they’re now working to put behind them, to apologise and make up with someone they care about. Happily, I can report that I’ve not hurt anyone… anyone I can reach or do anything about that is; It is however with a degree of pleasure that I can say I’ve not hurt anyone- I’m making ammends with myself.
Perhaps, in the past I’ve been too rough on myself, I’ve set myself goals so high that I can’t, immediately, have any hope of fulfilling them. I saw myself as a paragon of positive qualities that anyone could turn to for help, for someone who would stand by them no matter what or even for just a shoulder to cry on. I didn’t envision this better version of myself in a years time, or two… I saw it as something which could be achieved within days.
That’s wrong, and I believe that I’ve been working under the misconception that I am in fact a bad person who needs to be a nice person- how wrong I was. Bad people, don’t think about being nice people and they certainly don’t consider making themselves better in order to make a positive impact on other people’s lives. Perhaps, I am in fact, a nice person who just lost their way?
The most benevolent of people didn’t just become that way, some people are nice and some people are mean, we all have very different natural dispositions and that’s good, variety is the spice of life afterall. So before I get too far off topic I should return to the fact that I’m beginning to see that I’m not a bad person, I’m a nice person… just one that bad things have happened to. Perhaps I just grew a harder outer shell to cope.
It’s only when bad things happen that you begin to realise all the ways that you’re thankful for all the good things in your life, however, with the loss of Sophie, I believe that she may have taken so much of my life with her, that I’m, in some form, laid bare for all to see. One day I hope I’ll see her again, be able to hold her again, feel skin on skin and taste those lips; I hope she knows just how much I love her, but, she always saw me bare anyway, without any of the worlds burdens, she saw… Zach.
Now I’m beginning to see Zach, the talented recluse.
I’m thankful for my family, the one member I have left and who, in my eyes I have sorely neglected, and again, I realise that maybe I’m not such a bad person and am nice enough for them to stick with me, even through all these years. He’s been through this, depression, and he knows what it’s like. I’ve never taken his advice, I think it was perhaps because I thought that his advice wouldn’t work, but that was defeatist of me- what right do I have to give up before even reaching the start line?
So, that’s where I am right now, It’s not a tremendous leap, but small gains that stick are hard fought for and the sacrifices they take to achieve are great… but they’re worth it. This is the first time in a long time that I feel as though I’m not a monster and that all I do is hurt people and let them down. This is the first time in a long time that I can see myself as Zach and you know what?
I think I like Zach.