It’s fair to say that I suffer my fair share of panic attacks, they have lessened of late, but when they do happen they’re still always as terrifying as the first time, it’s like I just lose control of my body, that’s a fair way to describe it actually. My breathing gets short and my gaze darts around the room as I spin my head from side to side, as if looking for an escape from my mind… It’s pathetic; on top of that, I make noises, like an injured animal, whimpering, but this only happens in the lesser incidents, when a serious incident occurs I scream, I scream so loud that my voice breaks and gives out.
I scream “No!” over and over again and these ‘heavy hitters’ leave me a wreck for hours, with a burning voice box and the word “No” ringing through my mind, an echo of what I cried out- I’m worried my neighbors can hear me through the walls. I simply cannot control it in my current state, it’s scary to feel like a prisoner within your own body, it makes you feel like there’s no escape and it drains the pleasure from the day… like a slow death, all the joy just bleeds out.
I know that it’s not the worst thing in the world and that it’s literally just a sensation that comes and goes, apparently as is its want, but it leaves you shaken. It makes you feel violated and insecure, like someone has broken through into your inner sanctum, only they haven’t broken in, they’ve walked in through the front door and brought it down from the inside.
It makes me feel sick!
What’s worse is when I have a day like this it ruins the overall feel of this blog, because it overshadows absolutely everything else, I forget details, small things like what I’ve eaten or when I got up. It robs me of my coherent thought and I apologize. when these things happen… I can’t really remember much. Everything is a mess.