Day 157: Musings

April 19th 2016

Over the past few days, and indeed today, I’ve done almost nothing but play The Division and, until I really sat down and thought about why I’ve been doing that, I didn’t really understand why, but now I do. Along side it being a game based on numbers and the fact that the games mechanics are stunningly refined and polished, it makes me feel like a hero.

The game makes me feel like a hero, it makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something and that I’m making a difference, which couldn’t be farther from the truth regarding my own life right now. Even though I’m sleeping better, I’m steadily learning another language and I’m slowly, but surely, beating depression back one day at a time I just feel like I’m stagnating.

I’m not really going anywhere, which is only made more troublesome by the fact that my plans and aspirations, that have yet to take off, would make all the difference in both making me more mentally stable and furthering my future. What I’m trying to get at, in simplest terms is that:

It’s been over 150 days since I started this archive and I’ve not really gotten anything done.

The idea of starting this archive was, in and of itself, a scary notion for me. It’s been three years since I put anything out there for public viewing and that includes stories, art and yes blogging…

It was scary, but it was the right thing to do, an archive of every single day, is a good way to chart progression or regression; it’s just a shame that this little project of mine has gone a little of the rails, becoming more a sounding board for my thoughts than an actual archive. That’s not inherently a bad thing though, sometimes you can glean more about a persons current welfare and mental state from their thoughts than you can their actions, but it becomes more of an issue when it’s happening every day.

With that in mind, for future reference, I’ll write down here ‘what makes me tick’, what makes me so driven to become better and why, it’s just a shame that it’s not very pleasant…

What makes me tick?:

Put simply, I hate myself, that much is true. Over the years I’ve watched myself fall from being an overachieving student with a bright future and numerous interests and side projects into a lethargic, under-achieving coward who shuns friendship and has become afraid of the outside world.

The key word in that paragraph is ‘coward’; there are two kinds of people in this world I detest: betrayers and cowards. Being afraid is fine, everyone is afraid of something and if your fear overwhelms you and you feel compelled to run, that’s fine too, but when it’s not fine is when your fear overwhelms you so completely that you forsake your friends, you forsake people who are counting on you, who need you, just because you’re scared, that’s what cowards do! I’m not a coward…

Confucius said that: To better yourself for no other reason than to be a better person is an act of great wisdom and moral good.

I feel as though I’ve lied to myself, I once thought that I wanted to become better because of some innate drive to simply be a better person, and whilst my motives for ‘wanting’ to be a better person are altruistic (something I’ll talk about tomorrow once I’ve compiled my thoughts), the reason for what ‘made me’ start this personal quest in the first place are as such: I HATE myself and I can’t look myself in the mirror, everything I’ve become, I detest and I want it to stop… I want to help people and be ‘good enough’ to help them.

Because often, the ‘want’ and the ‘actual cause’ are different all together.
Sometimes, they just work towards a common goal.
I want to be a hero.



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