Day 5: Bank Holiday Monday

May 30th 2016

Today is bank holiday Monday and, once again, I’ve been saved from the ever looming threat of having to start running by both the weather and the fact that I’d promised myself to my friends all day today. Most of my friends work, I’ve always fit in better with people slightly older than myself, so most of them are either former students or are simply members of the working public; today was one of those rare days where we could all meet up without any reservations on who would and wouldn’t turn up- we knew we’d all be in attendance.

Bank holiday Monday is always a riot!

The day started off like it always does on these kinds of days off. At the pub. There’s something satisfying about going somewhere where they know just what your drink is without you even having to say anything; there’s also something satisfying about being able to drink whiskey at ten in the morning too.

I arrived second, Hannah was there first, she’s always prompt and early, sometimes too much so, I sometimes feel bad for her since I know she can be somewhere thirty minutes before anyone else, being late is not a character flaw Han has. By the way she hugged me (and the amount of glasses on the table) she was about three gin and tonics in. That’s what I call a proper liquid breakfast.

full englishBearing in mind my recent heavy drinking session last Saturday I was planning to take it pretty slow, we’d only be at the pub for the first few hours anyway. The tradition that has stood for the past two years is that we will all meet up for a late boozy-breakfast, before returning to our houses to play games for a few hours before retiring for the evening and letting, those who have them, spend the rest of their day off with their better halves.

James and Steven were the next to arrive, followed shortly after by Jasmine and Kieran. The landlord of the pub, although used to seeing us, didn’t look too impressed when we asked for six full English breakfasts. I think he had half a mind to refuse us, but being the good sport that he is, he didn’t.

Beakfast was delicious!

Breakfast passed quickly and we returned to our respective homes, logged straight onto

Dota 2
Legion Commander of Outword Devoured are my picks.

steam and sunk right into DOTA 2. Considering how awful we all are it shouldn’t be surprising to know that we lost three out of the five matches, but c’est la vie.

By the time that we were all done it was pushing six O’clock and those among our number with significant others were ready to depart for their evening engagements, dinner, movies… sex.  It left just me and Han really, we were both content to continue playing DOTA 2, of recent it’s been our personal penchant. By the time we were both finished it was pushing midnight, Han wanted to sleep and I was just about ready to cook dinner. This is how broken my schedule is.

So finally, after eating my weight in pasta, I decided to hit the hay…

At 5am!

Day 4: Paving a New Path

May 29th 2016

I don’t usually make a habit of staying over at friends houses, especially not when I’ve had promo_384x384a drink, but yesterday was the exception to the rule. If you read yesterdays post you’ll know that I attended a friend’s twentieth birthday and, as is customary for such significant birthdays like that, the party got more than a little out of hand. God knows after polishing off most of a bottle of Jameson (My whiskey of choice at the moment) trying to walk home would have been a horrendous idea.

When I did eventually wake up though it was late in the day, without a clock in the room my mind is a little sketchy, but from what I remember, when I finally got home, after a short trek on an uneasy stomach, it was about half three in the afternoon. Most of the day was done but I still had a few things that I wanted to do before tomorrow.

I started off by actually cooking something; if I was going to do anything today I’d need some food in me, I don’t suffer from hangovers but what I do suffer from is post-alcohol ravenous hunger. I started with two eggs, two sausages, three rashers of bacon, some fried tomatoes and mushrooms and finally two pieces of toast- all of which was demolished within fifteen minutes.

After eating my own body weight in animal products I had a few things that I needed to tend to, since tomorrow was bank holiday Monday. This started with a trip online to the digital world of Second Life; I had to sort out some admin matters with the group: reassigning roles and titles, filling out the story of the role play setting a little more and, of course, socialise with a few of my friends. This took a lot longer than I would have expected it to since I got talking with a somewhat estranged companion of mine, but all in all I enjoyed the experience.

The second thing I did today was to read up about the Couch to 5k. Initially I wanted to5k start running tomorrow, but after digesting all of the information they provided, they advise against running if there is any pain in your knee. They say to wait at least a week ,having done stretches and rested it up, before contacting your GP and, being that my pain hasn’t improved in over a month now it might be time for another check up. I don’t know whether doctors surgeries are even open on bank holidays, but I suppose I’ll find out tomorrow when I ring them.

This isn’t to say that I’ll be doing no exercise at all though; starting this Tuesday I’ll be going out for thirty minute walks a daily and will be resuming stretching my knee according to the schedule they sent me. I probably shouldn’t have stopped. With regards to my upper body however, I’m thinking that I should resume lifting weights but, judging by the results of last time (i.e: damaging my knee on a squat) I think I should find some gyms online and look to getting a program from them.

Mentally, there are a few things that I’d like to do, just to keep me sharp. This begins with reading again, picking up my reading schedule. Since I traditionally only read non fiction it fanfiction-dot-netwould make sense to try to read a modicum of fiction and non fiction a day. I propose that I attempt to read ten to twenty pages of non fiction a day and, to supplement this, attempt to read at least one piece of fan-fiction a day, critique it and offer helpful comments to the author. Just to get me started again.

Along side this I would ‘quite like’ to return to writing, I’m famously poor at keeping to a schedule, so assigning myself a task like: publish a chapter a week, would be a terrible idea. As such I believe that a more achievable goal would be to write at least three hundred words a day; more is welcome, less is unacceptable. At least that way I’ll be doing something productive.

Speaking of productivity, I need to start producing money. There’s no easy way to say this, I’m not the best employee, my work ethic is terrible and when it comes to dealing with people I’m cynical beyond all belief, as such, getting hired is often a problem. So, with regards to getting some money in my pocket, I think that I need to look at getting a job again, just to tide me over until September. So, late morning aside…

Today has been rather productive!

Thank you for reading.

Day 3: Saturday Relaxation

May 28th 2016

trackiesWhen I woke up this morning I rolled onto my side and spied the blurry silhouette of a pair of tracksuit bottoms hanging from my wardrobe, a sight that was met with a deep groan. I knew I’d need to start running at some point, but I dreaded the prospect of it being today, that was until I had a revelation- it was saturday!

The notion of exercising on a Saturday is a straight up no go! Saturday is my day of the week where I do nothing, nothing at all. I love Saturdays with all my heart; Sundays however are the bane of my existence, I loathe them, always have ever since high school. Just who wants a day off where all they can think about is the work they’ll have to do tomorrow, nobody!

With that in mind I decided to shoot the idea of exercising today, shoot it right between the eyes, besides…

I had a party to get to later!

There was no way I was going to show up to my friends house, slug back a few glasses of wine and then pass out, leaving myself at their mercy like that is just like begging to wake up with vulgarity scrawled across my face (,never again).

When I arrived at my friend’s house the party was in full flow, drinks were aplenty and monkey-shoulder.jpgdecent company was in no shortage.I did my usual thing, I found myself a nice little spot in the most active place in the house and parked myself in it with a lovely bottle of scotch.

I spent the rest of the night reveling in the celebrations, George turned twenty last Wednesday gone and we ‘had’ to celebrate that and, as everyone at that house knew, I really needed to cut loose- everyone but me that is.

It was a great night and I thoroughly look forwards to doing it again…

Very soon!

Day 2: Taking First Steps

May 27th 2016

It is a completely fair summation that, over the last six months, I’ve remained mostly stagnant; yes, I have finally overcome my depression but doing so commanded almost all of my energy and attention, thus depriving me of seeking opportunities to improve my physical situation.

Well That Ends Now!

5k.jpgThe first thing that I want to improve is my waning fitness. With my weakened knee still playing up I know that starting off on a particularly intense workout regime would be a mistake, not only would I not be able to keep up with it but it would doubtless aggravate the injury and prolong my convalescence period. Instead, I stumbled upon something called: Couch to 5k and it’s exactly what it says on the tin- over a period of nine weeks, this should take you from barely being able to run for a bus (me in a nutshell) to being able to run five kilometers in thirty minutes.

The reason I decided that this would be a good undertaking was because my area is ‘reasonably’ flat, so there’s no massive inclines I’ll have to conquer, and the regime is, in fact, pretty lax- at the start. Plenty of time to both strengthen and heal my knee.

The downside to this plan of mine is so terrible, so horrid, that I struggle to find the words to properly explain my ardor for this consequence… but I’ll try. I have to wear… track suit bottoms… THE SHAME!!! Jokes aside though I genuinely can’t remember the last time I wore ‘trackies‘, it’s been about five years since I even owned a pair and even longer since I actually wore them. Not to say that there’s anything wrong with them, there really isn’t, I just prefer jeans, they feel nicer and with the way that I treat my clothes, the stronger fabric really does pay for itself.

This, for me, is the start of a long road, it’s what I wanted to do when I first started this seeing what's nextblog, create an archive that cataloged my day to day life and achievements that also inspires me to do more, to push myself to do bigger and better things and eventually become the version of me that I want to be.

So, here’s a song for you to chew on until tomorrow’s post, it’s fitting of this new start and new found determination I posses.


I’m just “Seeing What’s Next”

Day 1: A New Beginning

May 26th 2016

Greetings. It has now been ten days since I last posted on this blog and after due deliberation I’ve decided that the only way for this archive of my progress (or regress, as the case has been occasionally) is to start afresh. The reason behind this is quite simple; I started this blog because I was weak, because I was an iniquitous character who had, for lack of a better term, fallen from grace and, at the time of writing this, I still am that character.

It’s understandable that not everyone will like themselves, I know I certainly don’t, but depressionhere’s why: I’m weak-willed and have little self-control, I’m impulsive to say the least, I’m physically weak, spindly and not athletic in the least, I’m venomous in conversation and I’m cynical beyond all belief. That’s not the worst part though, the worst part is that I’ve wasted my potential and it’s left me with a chip on my shoulder that directly impacts both my life and the way I interact with other.

I am not a positive input on mine or my friend’s lives.

better-manA recent crisis made me reevaluate this blog, its purpose and format. I started this blog to become a better person, it was to be my anvil upon which I forged out a new version of myself, though blood sweat and tears I was supposed to use this to create a better me, someone who I’d be proud to call a friend…

That didn’t happen though… but there is reason behind it.

When I started this blog in November 2015 I was in the midst of severe depression and this blog only started at the behest of my therapist. Depression dominated my life, I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping and, in the long hours I was awake, life felt pointless and devoid of joy; I just wanted it all to end so badly. There wasn’t a waking moment where I didn’t curse my existence with every breath!

So the reason for this new start is two-fold. One: I recently turned the page on that chapter of my life, I became depression free for the first time in I don’t know how long, it was only fitting to mirror that same change in the format of this blog. Two: I am not proud of evolution of the first one hundred and eighty-three days of this blog, it seemed to follow the trend that, as I got better, the blog got worse and I just wasn’t content with that.

Not in the least.

The first six months of this blog were, in hind sight, dedicated to digging my way out of depression, and now that quest is over, I can dedicate the rest of this archive to bettering myself and improving the quality of its content.

Thank you for reading.

Day 183: Pushing Too Hard

May 15th 2016

Today, late at night I found a friend in crisis and, whilst he didn’t ask for my help, I decided to throw in my two cents and, as is my nature, only made things worse; I wasn’t very sensitive and my advice, I admit, was phrased in such a way that it was asymptotic of an accusation that he wasn’t doing enough to improve his situation. To this statement I can only say vehemently that: that was not my intention and that I feel terrible for making him feel like that.

I feel guilty.

That’s significant for two reasons, the first is that I actually feel guilty, I’m not the most empathetic of people and i struggle at the best of times to share the emotions of my friends an peers, so feeling guilty to such a severe degree is, well, quite simply staggering. The second reason why this is significant is because this man, who shall remain nameless, is family to me, not in blood, something much stronger and I care for him to such a degree that when he hurts I hurt. He’s guided me out of the dark so many times before, now I want to do the same for him.

I pushed too hard and it absolutely enraged him, but I stand by what I said, I was wearing my heart on my sleeve and I articulated myself as such. The whole ordeal was very emotionally draining but I believe the resolution that we reached, three hours later, with cooler tempers, was the best that could be achieved in a short amount of time.

As I write this I’m fading in and out of consciousness, it’s five to four in the morning and I’m far less than articulate at the moment, the wording of this post is shocking, the structure is all wrong and my punctuation is sub par, but I don’t care…

All I want to do right now is sleep!

Day 182: Non-Stop

May 14th 2016

Today was all go from when the sun rose; I’d had trouble sleeping and eventually gave up trying after barely snagging a brief two hours of shut-eye, so as the sun was just cresting over the horizon I threw back the covers and trudged out of bed. I knew I was tired because mere minutes after getting out of bed I almost ate it at the top of the steps, although the burst of adrenaline that always accompanies the sensation of slipping down one step absolutely woke me up…

For a little while.

barclays.jpgBreakfast was two tea cakes and a bottle of water that I ate on my way to the bank, I had an appointment to keep at eight O’clock regarding some irregularities in my spending account. Long story short, I got there on time, but was sat there for a good hour and a half whilst they fixed a ‘simple issue’ with their system, but simple issues don’t take NINETY MINUTES TO FIX!

Eventually I was released from purgatory and had to walk around to Hannah’s to take a look at her sink. How I wish that was a metaphor. I don’t know whether it’s just the people who live with Han but no one in that house has any practical skills, to further emphasise my point, once I was asked round to put up a shelf…

I thought that was a TV trope.

It actually turned out that there was a cracked pipe under the sink and there was no water pressure, not just in the sink, but in the house, and whilst I’m pretty handy around the house, one thing I am not is a qualified plumber, so I left that with them.

Between leaving their house and my doctor’s appointment I had about a three-hour gap and,sleep I’ll be candid, I was fading fast; I was so tired that even slugging back Red Bull wasn’t enough to keep me awake and, eventually, against my better judgement, I had to reschedule my doctor’s appointment and finally get some sleep.

I’m not entirely certain when I woke up, but it was in the dead of night and I was on my sofa, since I was fairly delirious, I decided that I should roll over and get a few more hours sleep, and here I am, writing this blog… tired… spent…. ready for bed again.

Thank you for reading.

Day 181: Sing

May 13th 2016: Sing!

In a bid to get back on top of my blog and improve the overall quality of it, now that I’m beginning to understand some of the functional elements of the WordPress Workbench I’ve decided to try my hand at the daily prompt and perhaps disclose a few tidbits of my embarassing life in the process, so…

Here goes nothing.

Eighteen days ago I decided, finally, that I was free of the shackles of depression, I decided that it no longer played any part in my life and it was my fervent hope that I could walk out of my door uninhibited and begin to face the world again with a whole new, positive out look on life, unfortunately that’s looking to be more difficult than once envisioned.

It turns out that a lot of the things I eschewed whilst I was struggling still don’t come naturally to me, simple things, like going to the pub with friends, are still rough but I’m making progress with them. The reason why this relates to the daily prompt is simple- karaoke.

bierTranslated, it literally means: empty orchestra, well, orchestra or no orchestra, it still turns out that I’m tone deaf. Whilst out at Bierkeller with some friends, we decided, and by thatI mean ‘they’ decided, that karaoke would be a good idea and me, having drank my weight in cider, agreed with them.

First up was my friend, Foggy and he decided that he’d keep it pretty simple and sing Rasputin, it was a good way to kick things off and the others in the bar seemed to really enoy it too; next up was Alex andd then Hannah and then Kyle and finally me.

I was going to sing a song of my own choice but was reminded that I had a secret weapon-rap god.jpg Rap God by Eminem. The song, for those of you who are unfamiliar, is sung exceptionally quickly and I believe that he broke the world record for amount of words spoken in one minute with this song (citation needed).

I think that it was the right song to sing because the crow just exploded, they went ballistic and after I got down off of the stage I was nearly mobbed by my friends, and thus that, my dear friends, is the story of how I was bought whiskey all night by strangers at a bar for being able to say words faster than most people.

I hope you enjoyed reading.

Day 180:Rainbow 6 Siege

May 12th 2016

I’m not actually a fan of Rainbow 6 Siege, this perhaps stems from the fact that I’m not very good at it, nor do I have the desire to become very good at it. My friends however are quite skilled at the game, thus whenever I play with them they become matched with people who are close to the mean skill of all the players on our team, thus we’re naturally mtched with people who are much more skilled than myself, leading to a lot of anger and a lot of salt.

So much salt

The game itself is fantastic, It tries to replicate the diverse range of tactics, equipment, and skills employed by operators who specialise in siege warfare. These include things like ballistic shields, breaching charges and dynamic entries, all of which are quite simple to use in the game, but are difficult beyond belief to master. They’re almost impossible to get right all the time.

On top of this, the game can be very twitch shooter-esque, meaning that despite all of your planning and tactics it can boil down to: who can move their pixels over the enemy’s pixels faster. Not a marker of a ‘thinking man’s shooter’.

I was fortunate enough to have this game bought for me so of course I played it, it would be wrong to be ungrateful wheen someone buys you something, but I sincerely mean it when I say that today was wasted, but I’d rather have wasted it doing something else instead.

Thanks for reading.

Day 179: Civilisation V

May 11th 2016

With the advent of Civilisation VI coming in the immediate future I decided to give Civilisation V one last hurrah and start up a game with a friend. Now I understand that Civ VI comes out in October, but I really wouldn’t be surprised If me and my fried had only completed one or two games in that time, and we’re only playing on the standard length setting.

Civilisation will devour your time

There’s even a setting for Civilisation that sets the game speed so that, and I quote, “One era will be comprised of roughly the same amount of terms as an entire game” and it is staggeringly slow.

With that in mind though, I would probably be idiotic to set the game to that length, I’d still be playing Civ V by the time Civ VII was announced, it would be horrible. It even feels weird to say that because of how dear to my heart the Civ series is, in fact anything made by Sid Meier is pretty much gold.

I don’t really have a lot to say about today, nothing much went on and I’m bracing myself for when Warhammer Total War hits, because as soon as that hits I will be almost completely unavailable for about a month- no joke.

All of today was spend on Civilisation; I wasted today and I’m wasting more time, I can’t seem to stop and I’m so fucking angry with myself about it.

I need help.