Day 162: A Light

April 24th 2016

Over the past two weeks I’ve fallen into bad habits but it only really hit me today. It’s easy to fall into bad habits; a lack of motivation, the fear of failure or the lack of success… the lack of strength to go on, these are all causes for stopping but not one of them justifies it.

I made a point not long ago that no one I’ve ever met, not my friends, not my very limited family, not a single teacher or mentor has the right to call me weak, I’m not weak and I’ve suffered through pain before, walked straight through hell with a smile plastered on my face in fact, but being that that’s the case, why am I behaving like a weakling?

Why?

I set up a schedule not long ago, have I adhered to it? Not in the least! I don’t know why I struggle to adhere to a schedule, they work for most people so why not me, part of me, sadly, believes that it’s because I’m afraid of hard work and it sucks to say that and mean it…

If that is the case, the solution should be simple. Make my work fun. Life’s not that simple and when it comes to finding something that works with me, I’m not that simple. My past teachers would tell me that anything in life worth having is hard, but I’m afraid that I simply don’t have the resolve to motivate myself…

I need a helping hand

There is one person I trust enough to ask for this help though, I hope he’ll say yes.

Depression-FBThe reason that asking for this help is important is because my endeavors up until this point have, in actuality, been of one sole purpose, to dig me out of depression. I couldn’t focus on becoming smarter, stronger, more skillful or more simply more friendly and concientious until I’d dug myself out of this pit. I’d say that for the first time in a long while, I can see the light again, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and I just need a little push to be on the other side.

With that in mind it’s only apt that I give myself a fresh start, that’s what tomorrows blog will be about,but for now, that’s enough soul searching, and I’m ready to go to bed.

Thank you for reading.

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