Day 163: A Fresh Start

April 25th 2016

Yesterday I said that I was going to give myself a fresh start, but that’s really rather vague, I’ve given almost no insight into my past or why I feel like I need a fresh start, why I need to forgive myself and move on.

When I was sixteen I went into college, it was rough for me; being straight out of high school I half expected to be able to approach it as I approached school, that I could rest on my laurels and coast through whilst still attaining the top grades. How wrong I was. What actually happened was quite simple, I became depressed, more depressed than I’ve ever been before and it racked my mind with guilt, every day was suffering…

It started about two weeks into the year, I became the target of quite a sizable group of people’s ardor, I was young, meek and lacked the conviction or ability that I am now in possession of.

They ripped my mind to pieces.

It was bullying, plain and simple, but it was also more than that, it was the systematic and planned torture of me every day, in every lesson wherever I was, and the college did nothing about it, they betrayed my trust and failed in their duty of care.

Without anyone to fall back on, no family or friends, I crumbled, at that point in my life, I was weak, or at the very least weaker. Through physical and mental abuse they ran me out of that college and boy did I run, I ran so far and so fast with my tail between my legs because I couldn’t hack it, I couldn’t take their abuse or the colleges ambivalence to my suffering, and I’ve worn the shame of that defeat every day for three years now…

It made me strong though: I became intelligent enough to understand engineering principles and practice off of my own back, I started learning languages and began to seek out new friends and outlets. I became tough: I learned how to fight, in three different styles, with and without weapons and I can, and have beaten back many assailants, no one will ever beat me again! Not without them being worse off than me.

I fell in love and someone fell in love with me.

I may never be able to forgive them: the college or my bullies, for how they treated me but I know that I’ve earned forgiveness from myself. I’ve just carried this weight around for too long, believing myself to be a waste of space due to my lack of academic accomplishments and because of slight frame. It’s time to move on and prosper with my new state of mind, I can do anything anyone else can do, I’ve just taken the long way around.

I’m where I am because of myself, not because of them, I’m not going to point fingers and blame them, that’s what a coward does and that’s not me. I am here because of my own actions, now it’s time that I start digging myself out of this hole.

So I’ve wiped the slate clean, my past is inconsequential now, what matters is how I progress in the future, because how you get there is equally, if not more, important as actually getting there. It’s time for a fresh start.

Thank you for listening.

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