May 26th 2016
Greetings. It has now been ten days since I last posted on this blog and after due deliberation I’ve decided that the only way for this archive of my progress (or regress, as the case has been occasionally) is to start afresh. The reason behind this is quite simple; I started this blog because I was weak, because I was an iniquitous character who had, for lack of a better term, fallen from grace and, at the time of writing this, I still am that character.
It’s understandable that not everyone will like themselves, I know I certainly don’t, but here’s why: I’m weak-willed and have little self-control, I’m impulsive to say the least, I’m physically weak, spindly and not athletic in the least, I’m venomous in conversation and I’m cynical beyond all belief. That’s not the worst part though, the worst part is that I’ve wasted my potential and it’s left me with a chip on my shoulder that directly impacts both my life and the way I interact with other.
I am not a positive input on mine or my friend’s lives.
A recent crisis made me reevaluate this blog, its purpose and format. I started this blog to become a better person, it was to be my anvil upon which I forged out a new version of myself, though blood sweat and tears I was supposed to use this to create a better me, someone who I’d be proud to call a friend…
That didn’t happen though… but there is reason behind it.
When I started this blog in November 2015 I was in the midst of severe depression and this blog only started at the behest of my therapist. Depression dominated my life, I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping and, in the long hours I was awake, life felt pointless and devoid of joy; I just wanted it all to end so badly. There wasn’t a waking moment where I didn’t curse my existence with every breath!
So the reason for this new start is two-fold. One: I recently turned the page on that chapter of my life, I became depression free for the first time in I don’t know how long, it was only fitting to mirror that same change in the format of this blog. Two: I am not proud of evolution of the first one hundred and eighty-three days of this blog, it seemed to follow the trend that, as I got better, the blog got worse and I just wasn’t content with that.
Not in the least.
The first six months of this blog were, in hind sight, dedicated to digging my way out of depression, and now that quest is over, I can dedicate the rest of this archive to bettering myself and improving the quality of its content.
Thank you for reading.