Day 3: Saturday Relaxation

May 28th 2016

trackiesWhen I woke up this morning I rolled onto my side and spied the blurry silhouette of a pair of tracksuit bottoms hanging from my wardrobe, a sight that was met with a deep groan. I knew I’d need to start running at some point, but I dreaded the prospect of it being today, that was until I had a revelation- it was saturday!

The notion of exercising on a Saturday is a straight up no go! Saturday is my day of the week where I do nothing, nothing at all. I love Saturdays with all my heart; Sundays however are the bane of my existence, I loathe them, always have ever since high school. Just who wants a day off where all they can think about is the work they’ll have to do tomorrow, nobody!

With that in mind I decided to shoot the idea of exercising today, shoot it right between the eyes, besides…

I had a party to get to later!

There was no way I was going to show up to my friends house, slug back a few glasses of wine and then pass out, leaving myself at their mercy like that is just like begging to wake up with vulgarity scrawled across my face (,never again).

When I arrived at my friend’s house the party was in full flow, drinks were aplenty and monkey-shoulder.jpgdecent company was in no shortage.I did my usual thing, I found myself a nice little spot in the most active place in the house and parked myself in it with a lovely bottle of scotch.

I spent the rest of the night reveling in the celebrations, George turned twenty last Wednesday gone and we ‘had’ to celebrate that and, as everyone at that house knew, I really needed to cut loose- everyone but me that is.

It was a great night and I thoroughly look forwards to doing it again…

Very soon!

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Day 2: Taking First Steps

May 27th 2016

It is a completely fair summation that, over the last six months, I’ve remained mostly stagnant; yes, I have finally overcome my depression but doing so commanded almost all of my energy and attention, thus depriving me of seeking opportunities to improve my physical situation.

Well That Ends Now!

5k.jpgThe first thing that I want to improve is my waning fitness. With my weakened knee still playing up I know that starting off on a particularly intense workout regime would be a mistake, not only would I not be able to keep up with it but it would doubtless aggravate the injury and prolong my convalescence period. Instead, I stumbled upon something called: Couch to 5k and it’s exactly what it says on the tin- over a period of nine weeks, this should take you from barely being able to run for a bus (me in a nutshell) to being able to run five kilometers in thirty minutes.

The reason I decided that this would be a good undertaking was because my area is ‘reasonably’ flat, so there’s no massive inclines I’ll have to conquer, and the regime is, in fact, pretty lax- at the start. Plenty of time to both strengthen and heal my knee.

The downside to this plan of mine is so terrible, so horrid, that I struggle to find the words to properly explain my ardor for this consequence… but I’ll try. I have to wear… track suit bottoms… THE SHAME!!! Jokes aside though I genuinely can’t remember the last time I wore ‘trackies‘, it’s been about five years since I even owned a pair and even longer since I actually wore them. Not to say that there’s anything wrong with them, there really isn’t, I just prefer jeans, they feel nicer and with the way that I treat my clothes, the stronger fabric really does pay for itself.

This, for me, is the start of a long road, it’s what I wanted to do when I first started this seeing what's nextblog, create an archive that cataloged my day to day life and achievements that also inspires me to do more, to push myself to do bigger and better things and eventually become the version of me that I want to be.

So, here’s a song for you to chew on until tomorrow’s post, it’s fitting of this new start and new found determination I posses.

 

I’m just “Seeing What’s Next”

Day 1: A New Beginning

May 26th 2016

Greetings. It has now been ten days since I last posted on this blog and after due deliberation I’ve decided that the only way for this archive of my progress (or regress, as the case has been occasionally) is to start afresh. The reason behind this is quite simple; I started this blog because I was weak, because I was an iniquitous character who had, for lack of a better term, fallen from grace and, at the time of writing this, I still am that character.

It’s understandable that not everyone will like themselves, I know I certainly don’t, but depressionhere’s why: I’m weak-willed and have little self-control, I’m impulsive to say the least, I’m physically weak, spindly and not athletic in the least, I’m venomous in conversation and I’m cynical beyond all belief. That’s not the worst part though, the worst part is that I’ve wasted my potential and it’s left me with a chip on my shoulder that directly impacts both my life and the way I interact with other.

I am not a positive input on mine or my friend’s lives.

better-manA recent crisis made me reevaluate this blog, its purpose and format. I started this blog to become a better person, it was to be my anvil upon which I forged out a new version of myself, though blood sweat and tears I was supposed to use this to create a better me, someone who I’d be proud to call a friend…

That didn’t happen though… but there is reason behind it.

When I started this blog in November 2015 I was in the midst of severe depression and this blog only started at the behest of my therapist. Depression dominated my life, I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping and, in the long hours I was awake, life felt pointless and devoid of joy; I just wanted it all to end so badly. There wasn’t a waking moment where I didn’t curse my existence with every breath!

So the reason for this new start is two-fold. One: I recently turned the page on that chapter of my life, I became depression free for the first time in I don’t know how long, it was only fitting to mirror that same change in the format of this blog. Two: I am not proud of evolution of the first one hundred and eighty-three days of this blog, it seemed to follow the trend that, as I got better, the blog got worse and I just wasn’t content with that.

Not in the least.

The first six months of this blog were, in hind sight, dedicated to digging my way out of depression, and now that quest is over, I can dedicate the rest of this archive to bettering myself and improving the quality of its content.

Thank you for reading.

Day 183: Pushing Too Hard

May 15th 2016

Today, late at night I found a friend in crisis and, whilst he didn’t ask for my help, I decided to throw in my two cents and, as is my nature, only made things worse; I wasn’t very sensitive and my advice, I admit, was phrased in such a way that it was asymptotic of an accusation that he wasn’t doing enough to improve his situation. To this statement I can only say vehemently that: that was not my intention and that I feel terrible for making him feel like that.

I feel guilty.

That’s significant for two reasons, the first is that I actually feel guilty, I’m not the most empathetic of people and i struggle at the best of times to share the emotions of my friends an peers, so feeling guilty to such a severe degree is, well, quite simply staggering. The second reason why this is significant is because this man, who shall remain nameless, is family to me, not in blood, something much stronger and I care for him to such a degree that when he hurts I hurt. He’s guided me out of the dark so many times before, now I want to do the same for him.

I pushed too hard and it absolutely enraged him, but I stand by what I said, I was wearing my heart on my sleeve and I articulated myself as such. The whole ordeal was very emotionally draining but I believe the resolution that we reached, three hours later, with cooler tempers, was the best that could be achieved in a short amount of time.

As I write this I’m fading in and out of consciousness, it’s five to four in the morning and I’m far less than articulate at the moment, the wording of this post is shocking, the structure is all wrong and my punctuation is sub par, but I don’t care…

All I want to do right now is sleep!

Day 182: Non-Stop

May 14th 2016

Today was all go from when the sun rose; I’d had trouble sleeping and eventually gave up trying after barely snagging a brief two hours of shut-eye, so as the sun was just cresting over the horizon I threw back the covers and trudged out of bed. I knew I was tired because mere minutes after getting out of bed I almost ate it at the top of the steps, although the burst of adrenaline that always accompanies the sensation of slipping down one step absolutely woke me up…

For a little while.

barclays.jpgBreakfast was two tea cakes and a bottle of water that I ate on my way to the bank, I had an appointment to keep at eight O’clock regarding some irregularities in my spending account. Long story short, I got there on time, but was sat there for a good hour and a half whilst they fixed a ‘simple issue’ with their system, but simple issues don’t take NINETY MINUTES TO FIX!

Eventually I was released from purgatory and had to walk around to Hannah’s to take a look at her sink. How I wish that was a metaphor. I don’t know whether it’s just the people who live with Han but no one in that house has any practical skills, to further emphasise my point, once I was asked round to put up a shelf…

I thought that was a TV trope.

It actually turned out that there was a cracked pipe under the sink and there was no water pressure, not just in the sink, but in the house, and whilst I’m pretty handy around the house, one thing I am not is a qualified plumber, so I left that with them.

Between leaving their house and my doctor’s appointment I had about a three-hour gap and,sleep I’ll be candid, I was fading fast; I was so tired that even slugging back Red Bull wasn’t enough to keep me awake and, eventually, against my better judgement, I had to reschedule my doctor’s appointment and finally get some sleep.

I’m not entirely certain when I woke up, but it was in the dead of night and I was on my sofa, since I was fairly delirious, I decided that I should roll over and get a few more hours sleep, and here I am, writing this blog… tired… spent…. ready for bed again.

Thank you for reading.

Day 181: Sing

May 13th 2016: Sing!

In a bid to get back on top of my blog and improve the overall quality of it, now that I’m beginning to understand some of the functional elements of the WordPress Workbench I’ve decided to try my hand at the daily prompt and perhaps disclose a few tidbits of my embarassing life in the process, so…

Here goes nothing.

Eighteen days ago I decided, finally, that I was free of the shackles of depression, I decided that it no longer played any part in my life and it was my fervent hope that I could walk out of my door uninhibited and begin to face the world again with a whole new, positive out look on life, unfortunately that’s looking to be more difficult than once envisioned.

It turns out that a lot of the things I eschewed whilst I was struggling still don’t come naturally to me, simple things, like going to the pub with friends, are still rough but I’m making progress with them. The reason why this relates to the daily prompt is simple- karaoke.

bierTranslated, it literally means: empty orchestra, well, orchestra or no orchestra, it still turns out that I’m tone deaf. Whilst out at Bierkeller with some friends, we decided, and by thatI mean ‘they’ decided, that karaoke would be a good idea and me, having drank my weight in cider, agreed with them.

First up was my friend, Foggy and he decided that he’d keep it pretty simple and sing Rasputin, it was a good way to kick things off and the others in the bar seemed to really enoy it too; next up was Alex andd then Hannah and then Kyle and finally me.

I was going to sing a song of my own choice but was reminded that I had a secret weapon-rap god.jpg Rap God by Eminem. The song, for those of you who are unfamiliar, is sung exceptionally quickly and I believe that he broke the world record for amount of words spoken in one minute with this song (citation needed).

I think that it was the right song to sing because the crow just exploded, they went ballistic and after I got down off of the stage I was nearly mobbed by my friends, and thus that, my dear friends, is the story of how I was bought whiskey all night by strangers at a bar for being able to say words faster than most people.

I hope you enjoyed reading.

Day 180:Rainbow 6 Siege

May 12th 2016

I’m not actually a fan of Rainbow 6 Siege, this perhaps stems from the fact that I’m not very good at it, nor do I have the desire to become very good at it. My friends however are quite skilled at the game, thus whenever I play with them they become matched with people who are close to the mean skill of all the players on our team, thus we’re naturally mtched with people who are much more skilled than myself, leading to a lot of anger and a lot of salt.

So much salt

The game itself is fantastic, It tries to replicate the diverse range of tactics, equipment, and skills employed by operators who specialise in siege warfare. These include things like ballistic shields, breaching charges and dynamic entries, all of which are quite simple to use in the game, but are difficult beyond belief to master. They’re almost impossible to get right all the time.

On top of this, the game can be very twitch shooter-esque, meaning that despite all of your planning and tactics it can boil down to: who can move their pixels over the enemy’s pixels faster. Not a marker of a ‘thinking man’s shooter’.

I was fortunate enough to have this game bought for me so of course I played it, it would be wrong to be ungrateful wheen someone buys you something, but I sincerely mean it when I say that today was wasted, but I’d rather have wasted it doing something else instead.

Thanks for reading.

Day 179: Civilisation V

May 11th 2016

With the advent of Civilisation VI coming in the immediate future I decided to give Civilisation V one last hurrah and start up a game with a friend. Now I understand that Civ VI comes out in October, but I really wouldn’t be surprised If me and my fried had only completed one or two games in that time, and we’re only playing on the standard length setting.

Civilisation will devour your time

There’s even a setting for Civilisation that sets the game speed so that, and I quote, “One era will be comprised of roughly the same amount of terms as an entire game” and it is staggeringly slow.

With that in mind though, I would probably be idiotic to set the game to that length, I’d still be playing Civ V by the time Civ VII was announced, it would be horrible. It even feels weird to say that because of how dear to my heart the Civ series is, in fact anything made by Sid Meier is pretty much gold.

I don’t really have a lot to say about today, nothing much went on and I’m bracing myself for when Warhammer Total War hits, because as soon as that hits I will be almost completely unavailable for about a month- no joke.

All of today was spend on Civilisation; I wasted today and I’m wasting more time, I can’t seem to stop and I’m so fucking angry with myself about it.

I need help.

Day 178:Taxes

May 10th 2016

No one really wants to think about the dull world of fiscal responsibility when they’re browsing the internet and most people usually heap together all of their taxes and plough through them in bulk four times a year, or as the term denotes, quarterly. Unfortunately for me my end of tax year P60 came through from my last job, which I haven’t formally left yet, and has in fact forced me to sit down, get out my tax book and start ticking off boxes.

Not fun

People always assume that those who are gifted at maths are, by extension, naturally adept at handling taxes and, were taxes straight forwards and their rules obeyed some form of hierarchy (like BIDMAS- Brackets Indices Division Multiplication Addition Subtraction) but, as those of you who do them can attest to, they do not.

Taxes seem to have ‘unwritten’ rules that evade all but the most savvy of individuals, and for a comparatively young person, doing taxes still mystifies me, the only real part about doing taxes that I care about is, of course, tax returns.

tax-return.jpg

More than once they’ve been my white knight, it’s a welcome little cash injection that can see you through the dire times when you’re between pay cheques. They’re certainly going to help me out this year.

They’re keeping me afloat

Aside from that, nothing really happened today, it’s a bit of a step down since yesterday and my little Buddhist adventure, but past that, this is pretty much all I did today: fumbling through receipts, finding payslips and checking out my P60. Not a fun day, but a necessary one.

Cheers for reading.

Day 177: Meditation

May 9th 2016

Getting up early never suited me, it never has and it more than likely never will, so you can imagine that having to be up at half six in the morning just to make an eight O’clock appointment where I wasn’t even sure what I was getting myself into, did not sit well with me… not in the least.

Unlike yesterday the weather was not on my side and I was practically waterlogged before I even stepped foot on a bus; cold wet and shivering I eventually got into town and met Mr. Li who, despite the rough weather, looked like he was actually rather content, though perhaps he was just glad to see I actually showed up. I’m not saying that he might have tried to introducce people to this place before, but if that’s the case, I wouldn’t be surprised.

I make it sound like indoctrination.

Eventually we got inside and there was a gentleman sitting on a stool at the head of an audience, though if I was forced to make a generalisation, none of them looked as though they were Buddhists and, in hindsight, I might have been right.

The man was apparently a retired professor, a religious scholar who was there to deliver a talk on “The position and role of women in Buddhism”. I was intrigued to say the least. The whole thing lasted for about two hours and it was a thoroughly eye opening experience, I’ve read the three baskets of the Tripitaka but it’s been such a long time since then, I think I needed a refresher course.

The content of the ‘lecture’ might be a bit too boring for me to talk about here, it didn’t help that he had a horrendously monotone voice either, but it was informative, well thought out and reasoned, so I suppose that I could classify it as a morning well spent. A morning or learning and culture.

Of course this wasn’t the every day function of the (temple?) meditation space, in day to day activity it pretty much does what it says on the tin, it’s a place for people to come, ponder over the days events and meditate. I do believe that I will be going back some time soon, perhaps I’ll be able to chat to someone ‘official’ about what they think of Buddhism and its role in every day life to them.

Thank you for reading.